Christi

So I've had a weird night. I talked to a friend of mine, who I've known since the age of ten. We agreed to meet up and casually have sex. It didn't wind up happening, though she Did show her (pierced) tits, twice, which was kinda cool.

I walked home and took some Soma, and 2 Klonopin.. once my dad fell asleep I figured fuck it, my cousin Big Tim is working at the local bar, I should pop in for a drink or two.

Rolling rock was on draft. I had 4, 23ounce servings, only two of which I payed for. Funnily enough, a girl I used to talk to, Jackie, and her gay friend AND new boyfriend showed up. I was polite and cordial but that's it.

I got to talking to a very cute girl who I went to elementary+ school with, her name is Candy. After talking to her gay friend Mitchell for a minute,he asked me to join him in the bathroom. I thought he'd offer me a key bump of some coke or speed but he wanted to suck my dick right then and there! I told him I wasn't in the mood, I let him stroke it a little bit and gave him my number.

CANDY is very cute, very sweet.. she hugged and kissed me good bye. I'm hoping to talk to her sometime; from our limited conversations she seems very sweet. Plus she's cute as hell.

I walked home and stopped at my older neighbor's house, John. He has a girl over, and his brother, and his friend, and another guy (John) from across the street joined us. I drank two Coors while there.. John is very hospitable.

Now I'm here.. I kinda hope Candi is available. She's a cute lady..

Soma-fied boredom

As much as I hate socializing, and as much as I pride myself on being a lone wolf.. sometimes I do get lonely. For someone to talk to. Or just sit with while watching a movie or something. It's pretty hard for me for a number of reasons; my anxiety and general awkwardness. My eclectic and odd interests and hobbies. My distrust of people, and my boundary issues.

That being said.. I think once I start working, I kinda want to date. Not to have a relationship, or even (necessarily..) to satisfy my physical desires. Really, I want to date so I can talk to new people, check out new places, "do life together." It will be hard, and probably hurtful at times, but yes, I think I would like to casually date somebody once I have paychecks rolling in.

Considering the area where my future job is located, it should be easy to find some girls to spend time withh, and things to do. Right in Center City, on Temple's campus? Should be plenty to do and plenty of girls to see. It's not a priority, but I'm 25 almost 26.. I need to be dating. Not just for sex or marriage or continuity of the human species; but to have fun and experience new and different things.

It's slim pickings around here, and it's always best to not fish in one's own pond. Craigslist or meeting girls randomly, while in the city, is probably my best bet. I'm actually pretty excited about the crazy hours, 9pm-6am. That means I can do dinner dates OR breakfast dates, while in the city. It should work out, as long as I'm patient and remember how to not scare people off or weird them out.

It's just so hard to find people like me.. and when I do, even then, they don't like me. I like to blame biology or my emotional problems but I really don't know what it is. I'm a good looking guy, pleasant to look at. I can hold a conversation, usually - though the topics are usually pretty esoteric to the recipient. It will just take time to find somebody as awesome as I am, haha.

Yesterday I transplanted my blackberry bush into a larger container. It's looking fantastic so far - I think I'll be bringing it inside for the winter; I don't want it to perish or become stunted from being outside in its first year. I'm hoping to keep her with me for as long as I can; I move and travel with my plants and seeds - another thing that sets me apart from the iPhone, Jersey Shore, beer-drinking types that make up the majority of my demographic.

Once working I sincerely hope to get back on track with a clean diet and a daily exercise regimen. I've put on the pounds, and my diet hasn't been great. I don't eat meat, but I do have a problem with carbs. Bread, pasta, toaster strudel. YUM! I just need to get into a good waking/sleeping/working schedule before I can implement a work-out program.

Working in the city will be great. Art museums, ethnic food spots, parks, foreign films.. just being in the city itself makes me happy. As much as I love nature and plants, I find urban architecture fascinating, and there's no limit to the different kinds of people you can watch or eavesdrop on. I can't wait.

A stash for all seasons,

So I applied for a job yesterday, and interview @ Jimmy John's Monday @ 2:30. The shift is 9pm-6am and consists mostly of slicing meats and cheeses. I'm really really psyched about this opportunity, I know i'm going to get the job. It should really cheer me up, getting out of the house, meeting new people, and of course making some money.

The cops having stolen all my pot plants and dry pot, it compels me to become a drug-stasher. It will take a supreme effort of will, but I think I can do it. Every time I get paid I pick up something and put it away for a rainy day. I like to be able to feel how I want to feel, when I want to feel it. That's why my stash will be very varied.. Ketamine vials, Vicodin 10s, Morphine 30mg for injection, Xanax, Klonopin, Ritalin. Nitrous Oxide.

It will be nice to be working, and have a stash. Happiness shall ensue.

Somatosensory relief

I woke up late today, and went to bed early. Might have been the 12 Soma I took yesterday. My dreams consisted of finding a shotgun, shells, a pistol and rounds for a confrontation with an unknown entity.

My sister is out getting pot for my father and I. I severely miss growing pot. It's a relaxing hobby and I love reaping the benefits. Personally I use it medicinally for my refractory depression. It also works for pain, insomnia, anxiety and has been shown to have neuroprotective qualities. Pot can also prevent cancer from forming.

I really really need to find a job.

Yesterday, whilst all Soma'd up, I took 2 clones of  my Blackberry bush. I hope in a month they show roots.

Getting money together is a top priority. CW e-mailed today to tell me yes, Diacetylmorphine (heroin) and Morphine 30mg are both in stock.

Ritalin, Hydrocodone 10mg, Oxymorphone 50mg injectable tablets, Morphine 30mg injectable tables, Klonopin 2mg and Xanax 1mg are on my wishlist. There's plenty of other drugs they supply, but only these ones are the ones I'm interested in.

Bramble and canes

My obsession with drugs is pretty much over. It really is time to figure out what I'm going to do with my life; what I should dedicate myself to.

I'd really like to live in the mountains, or the country. Growing my own pot, fruit, herbs, vegetables and flowers. Maintaining an heirloom orchard. Being semi-self sufficient. The less I have to rely on other people, the better. Of course, I'd also need a source of income. I'm thinking of learning all I can about Renewable Energy and applying it to people's homes.

Solar panels for electricity, back-up Diesel (or ethanol) generators, building attached Greenhouses, etc. It's big business right now, and I really think I have the brain, experience and chutzpah to do this.

Designing "Green" homes, or retro-fitting existing residences. It's the future.. with the economy, gasoline and oil shortages and escalating food prices, I don't see how it wouldn't be profitable on some level.

As the economy and situation in the United States, and the world in general, becomes worse and worse, "off-grid" living will become more and more popular.

Right now? I'm in limbo. I feel defeated, and worthless. I need to get out of this slump, get some energy and inspiration in my life. It just seems like everything is up in the air until my Pre-trial in September. It's hard to find a job and work when I'm not even sure I'll be a free man come Sept.21, you know?

I really do want to get a job, though, mostly to get out of the house and out of my head, and also so I can take a class or two. Horticulture, business or mathematics courses.

My dream right now is to become a business man and a semi-self sufficient farmer. Ideally, I would live on my own land, have a small orchard, a large vegetable herb and flower garden, and of course a field of pot. I want to make my own wine and cider, create my own preserves and pickled vegetables, trade clones and seeds with like-minded people. My time would be split between working my land, and designing and implementing Green homes. Happiness would follow, for sure.

This hippie has never felt comfortable in the suburbs, nor the city. It's time to go and live my life as best I can. The great thing about this day and age is that living out in the sticks does not necessarily mean being cut off from the rest of the world. Cellular phones, satellite internet.. it really wouldn't be a lonely existence. Plus, I could also drive to the nearest city or town once every few weeks, to socialize and pick up supplies and equipment that I can't come by myself.

So this is my new dream. I hope that one time I can achieve it.

Suitably disappointed

Last week I got the chance to waste 35$ on a round-trip to the city, scoring 1 hit each of heroin and cocaine.

It was disappointing in many ways, and helped me get just that much further from my obsession with self-medicating. The C sucked, the H sucked. I was followed by some street-walker until I lost him, then I tried to shoot some coke in front of the library only to be threatened by a guy "don't shoot dope in the park."

So I left, cocaine & cap in hand, and walked back to the El. I was all set to sit at the platform and fix up a shot..only there was a police officer on the platform. Almost let the urge get the better of me, but decided against shooting up 40 feet from a cop.

At the train station, I did manage to shoot up the different substances - minutes before 3 Canine units and their handlers entered the station doing their thing.

Street drugs suck unless you have connections.. I guess I forgot that. I'm much more into pharmaceuticals and pot, right now, than IV cocaine or heroin. Perhaps if I can put an order in to CW sometime, I'd inject their morphine, or maybe the ketamine. Otherwise it's just pot and pills for me.. it's a much better deal anyway. You know what you're getting.

I sorely miss growing pot.